i have been feeling very unsettled lately. having moments of extreme sadness, panic, lethargy, ennui. (not all at the same time, and not in succession). a specific incident occurred the other day, when suddenly, i was horribly sad. very dark. inexplicably so.
if i were paying close attention, i would have to say that it feels like the depression is coming back. not that the depression ever really left, but it lifted some. the suicidal thoughts and feelings diminished in intensity, but they were still there, under the surface.
i have to say that i haven’t actively thought about killing myself in a while, but i have thought about dying, quite a bit. i know that it doesn’t sound like there is a difference, but there is a difference.
but the other day, when the sadness came over me, overwhelmed me, it felt like sinking back into that deep hole, that dark place, and for a brief moment, i got scared. there is another component to that though, a comfortable familiarity, that feels like an old, worn, but still warm blanket. an old friend.
but not an entirely welcome friend at this point. i feel like i need to hold on to every scrap of okayness that i can muster. if i am going to successfully lose this weight, and keep it off, i cannot fall into that hole. i cannot succumb to the darkness. if i do, then what’s the point of trying anything at all, i might as well just end it, and quickly.
but i’m not there… i don’t want to end it. i want to give it a go, and see what things are going to be like. admittedly though, i don’t hold out much hope for happiness. i am pretty sure that i’m destined to be forever alone, and with that comes loneliness. i’m terrified of losing my parents, even though we have a shitty relationship, and being the only one left in my own family, completely on my own. but i’m willing to stick it out now, to see how it will be. i’m not really keen on offing myself beforehand to avoid the pain that losing them will be.
and i’m missing someone to talk to. someone to dump all of my shit on and not have to carry it around by myself. someone to share stuff with. i don’t necessarily miss sandra anymore, i’ve moved beyond that. in fact, i ran into her a few weeks ago, and i realized then that i don’t miss her anymore like i used to. i don’t long for her, and there is something that has changed about her. the last time i saw her, i was actually talking, and not just sitting there mute, and her whole therapy style had changed, and i didn’t like it. in fact, it kind of annoyed me. so i know that my desperate attachment to her is gone, and that i don’t need her like i used to. but i miss having someone “there”. does that even make sense? i miss having someone that i “could” talk to, even though i didn’t really talk to her. but i also don’t know if i would be able to open myself up to someone new. i have trust issues. i don’t want to start all over again with someone who i then couldn’t talk to… but then again, i’m lonely.
ugh, i don’t know. for now, i’m just sitting in my own discomfort, trying not to get dragged under.
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iiwii
