i’ve been having chest pains lately. chest pains accompanied by a pain in my left arm. sometimes, i’d get the left arm pain (usually a sharp muscle pain) and that would trigger the chest pain, or i’d get the chest pain and then the arm pain. i was relatively sure that it was psychosomatic, but after hearing about sparky dying in her sleep yesterday, i started to panic a little bit that maybe it was something heart related.
so i called the kaiser advice nurse last night, but not before first calling my mother. i was scared and alone and i needed my mommy. i wanted her to tell me what to do. instead, she rambled on about who she had run into and, oh wasn’t it amazing that they remembered me, and oh wasn’t it so funny that she’d run into that person, and on and on and on. she could not tell by the sound of my voice that i was close to tears. she did not bother asking me how i was, or even why i was calling (i haven’t spoken to my mother in over two months, except for a brief phone call about three weeks ago). she just ran on and on about herself until i said, (now crying), “i gotta go”. to which she responded, “ok, well, bye” and i hung up.
by this time, i was crying and shaking and trying to get a hold of myself. i called the advice nurse, she asked me a bunch of questions, and she determined that it wasn’t a heart attack, but made me an appointment for this morning so that i could be sure.
then i texted sandra, who called me back and talked to me for a while. i told her that if i died in my sleep, no one would know, and i’d just be dead here. she said that the police would come to do a safety check if someone reported me missing, but who would report me missing? i thought about sparky, who was found after she died, when she did not show up to work at her restaurant yesterday morning.
but who would come to my house to find me? i work 50 miles from where i live. and i don’t really have anyone that would miss me. i certainly don’t talk to my parents on any kind of regular basis.
it scares me, the aloneness. it terrifies me and it paralyzes me.
and i find it odd, that planning my own death doesn’t bother me, because if i were to do that, i would make sure that the animals were taken care of, and i would get rid of my stuff, and i would make sure that someone found me. but dying in my sleep horrifies me, because i would just be here, dead, and no one would know, and java and the cats would be here with no one to take care of them.
and i realized that i’m traumatized by kaiser and my whole experience of being hospitalized three years ago. the doctor left and said that before he let me go, he wanted to consult with another doctor, and i was sure that he was going to come back and 5150 me, even though i did not tell him that i was feeling depressed or suicidal, but i was sure he could see it in my eyes, or read it on my body, or something. i almost ran from the room when he left, but i made myself stay, and when he came back, he just said that i could go, no 5150…
i still have the chest pain. the doctor, who probably thought i was some crazy hypochondriac, said it was probably GERD (or some other gastrointestinal problem, mainly because i’m fat, and i don’t exercise), even though i told him i don’t have any reflux or indigestion. so i’m left with that. pain in the left side of my chest, which causes me to be anxious, which exacerbates the chest pain, and no answers, and a doctor who thinks i’m nuts and fear about dying alone in my house.